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Bittersweet Memories

Posted on Sat Nov 25th, 2017 @ 8:46am by Pola Ni Dhuinn M.D.

Mission: Descent Into Abaddon
Location: Transport to Menope VII
Timeline: MD02 0326hrs


Pola leaned the side of her head against the frame of her view point in her assigned quarters. She might try to count the stars to try and help her sleep but the task was near impossible as the lines flashed by in the ship's warp state. She supposed that there was always the option of closing her eyes and counting sheep but the woman found that eachtime she closed her eyes instead all she could see was a set of dark green eyes gazing back at her. Each time she tried to allow sleep to overcome her mind, instead she was reminded of the last time he held her in hers arms...the steady raise and fall of his chest as she quietly slipped from his grasp; somehow never wakening her lover.

Oh ho
Lonely woman am I
Ever since you said goodbye

Shifting as she closed her eyes, Pola felt the cold panel press against her forehead as she wrapped her arms over her chest; trying to fight off the chill that creeped through her body. She wondered how he felt when he woke to find her gone...would her absence have left as empty a place in his heart as it had her own. Did he spend the hours of his day reliving those last few days...days spent talking, sleeping, much more. Days spent the way the rest of their lives could have potentially been if she had only just stayed.

Boy I know that I should have woke up
'Cause it seems now that we broke up
Your farewell kiss is haunting me
My two lips cry out constantly

Pola wondered if he remembered each kiss...were they as etched into his lips as they had been hers. Even as the thought moved through her mind, the woman loosened just one hand from around her waist, allowing her fingertips to move across her own lips...tracing a path he had journeyed so many times over their time together. Did his lips ache for the feel of one more kiss as much as her own did?

Let your heart, let your heart be your guide
Forget about your foolish pride

AS the lyrics of the song moved through her mind, Pola opened her eyes and stared at the reflection staring back. Is that not what had happened...her heart had cried out for forever be with him...but instead her foolish pride at wanting it all had stood stronger. She knew it from the start...what they felt for another was forbidden territory for more than one reason. A Captain courting with senior department head? He had said it from the beginning...they needed to hide it away and not let anyone see. But it had always been more than had been the fact that he was Orion...a man built for not one single woman but many women...The woman knew that she alone would never be enough.

Watching her reflection, Pola saw the tear trail down over her cheek before she felt numb had her body become.

Starting tomorrow I keep telling myself
I'm gonna get out and find somebody else
Somebody that's sweet and kind
Who will erase you out of my mind

That's how easy it should have been...there were millions of males to choose from in the universe, she wasn't in anyway prude but statistics alone dictated that there was somebody else out there. All she had to do was pull herself together and push on further...throw on some make-up to cover the bags under her eyes and pull a comb through her tangled hair pulled back into a knot at the base of her neck. It was that simple right...move on and find somebody else.

But tell me how can I find somebody new baby
When my two arms keep reaching out for you
And my two lips keep right on repeating
It's you that I need

Closing her eyes once more, Pola allowed the tears to fall free as she wondered precisely who she was trying to kid...she'd allowed herself to fall in love...a love that felt so deep that she wasn;t sure how she would manage to ever swim free...or if she wanted to swim free. The love that they'd had been beyond anything she had ever experienced before. Just being in his presence set her body alight...her need to feel his taste his be held in his was all just so overwhelming. It was so much more than the physical allowance...the way he had made her she was the most beautiful woman in the universe. Like she was so much more than an officer or a Doctor.

You know that even when I close my eyes to forget you
I see your face and your memories too
Boy I've never felt this loneliness before
And oh boy I just can't take it no more

That was just it wasn't it...some would call her stupid or even daft. She'd made that choice to slip away in the depths of the night instead of facing him in the light of day. She choose to leave in silence instead of saying good bye...she had made her choice to invite this loneliness into her leave with nothing but the image of his face and the memories of what they had shared. Pola knew that she had made her decisions and now she had no choice but to live live each day of her life without him there anymore.

What choice had she left herself with except to have to take it...she had to live with the pain of never knowing...of never having said good bye. Pola knew that time couldn't be placed into reverse and she knew it when she walked she had to learn to live with it.


Pola Ni Dhinn
Civilan Doctor
Doctors Without Boarders


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